Monday, October 12, 2009

All is well that ends well.

Today I announce with bittersweet sentiments that this blog must go on hiatus... indefinitely.

In the last several weeks my struggle with homosexuality reached a turning point. I was engaged in a homosexual relationship with a wonderful young man. Tonight I broke it off. It is the lessons I have learned that made me decide to put this blog on hold. I wish to share them with you.

I have always had 3 major doubts plaguing my spiritual life, causing more damage than any others:
1) Whether a gay romantic relationship could fulfill me,
2) Whether I had the strength of will to resist,
and, most devastatingly,
3) Whether I had any real love of God.

Prior to this relationship I had experienced all of the elements of gay relationships separately with different people. This relationship combined all of them and was, on the temporal level, perfect. He and I got along very well. I discovered towards the end, to my greater dismay, that he even believed SSA was disordered and didn't want to be in the homosexual lifestyle. What had stopped me prior to getting into relationships like this in the past was a fear of what would happen on the temporal level. Could I get out of it? Would I be able to maintain good family and friend relationships? How would those who looked up to me react? Mostly it was a fear of disappointing others and a fear of despair. In the face of the powerful experience that is Eros, many of these concerns melted away. I was faced with the possibility of going to Mass on Sundays, or even during the week, and just not receive Communion so as to continue this relationship.

What I was really looking for was a deep intimate connection with another man, a connection with masculine and boyish beauty that could be expressed through physical affection. We are our bodies, and I needed to know that a beautiful young man could love and appreciate me, all of me. A guy whom I could be free to touch and not be afraid of his touch. And that's what this was. Existentially, it was beautiful, incredible, and I was very happy. In the end, however, it was not satisfying. On a human level it was. I might have been able to be happy with it for the rest of my life, save that I had already tasted something deeper: a relationship with God, a relationship that was being strained by this other one.

As I was sitting at a weekday Mass, unable to receive Communion due to my lack of contrition, I was confronted with something unexpected: the charity formed by the Holy Spirit in my heart. I realized that the ONLY reason I was there was out of love for God. I could not get anything out of going to Mass; all I could do was to express my worship to Him who was made present on the altar. I witnessed the love Christ had for me in this sacrifice by the love I had for Him.

Later that night I saw this young man again. I knew then and there things would change, and afterward I went to see one of my close Catholic friends who had helped me through similar situations in the past. After a conversation with said friend I made up my mind: I was going to end it - not out of compulsion, as I had in the past, but freely and (more importantly) out of love. I went to confession, and for the first time in 5 years I felt like myself again. My doubts had been dispelled: God did and does give me the strength of will, I DO love God, and this fantasy that I lived could satisfy, but not in the way that I knew I was made for.

Tonight I said goodbye to this very dear beautiful young man. While it may be just wishful thinking fueled by infatuation, I do believe that someday I will see him again, and we will view each other then just as brothers. I now am motivated more than I have ever been before to rid myself of this evil struggle. Prior to this my motivation was only fear, which was insufficient; now it is love that motivates me. I want nothing to do with SSA. I will not pretend I do not struggle; on the contrary, I will finally actually struggle with it instead of trying to find loop holes and justifying it. In some ways I was using this blog to do just that. I now need to avoid all unnecessary contact with homosexuality, which includes this blog. And while there is great good that may come from this blog, in the end, those goods pale in comparison to the good of freedom. As a substance abuse counselor I know once told me: "You have to be selfish in your recovery." My salvation is my first and primary goal.

In the end I have, through the prayers of many and the grace of God, given up that which was most dear to me for love of God. I believe that I am meant for God alone. I have tasted other streams and though they were sweet, I know only that which comes from the Lamb will satisfy. Hopefully someday I will be able to bring Christ to others sacramentally at the altar. In the meantime I will renew my pursuit of my true beloved. For my happiness lies in God Alone (Psalm 16:2). Keep me in your prayers.