To come out or not to come out.

May 31st 2009 is the 5th year anniversary of my "coming out" to my parents. I was a faithful Catholic back then as I am now so it mostly consisted of me informing my parents that I was likely to be barred from the priesthood due to my struggle with same-sex attraction. At the time I labeled myself as bi-sexual since I did experience the occasional attraction to women. Which I am certain the vast majority of gay guys do, but that’s for another posting. Eventually I would come to call myself “gay” but I have issues with that now, but again that’s for another posting. The real question I would like to grapple with is one of prudence. Unless you have been living under a rock it is pretty clear that there is a LOT of confusion about same-sex attraction. I am convinced that this is due in part to how few who struggle with it have opened up. The dilemma is this: I have been advised by multiple Catholic pastors/Christian leaders to keep my struggle with same-sex attraction quiet. I can see an issue of it being made known for a couple reasons: 1) The tendency to place one’s entire identity in one’s orientation is especially strong among those who struggle with SSA. Whatever one may say about theories in regards to its development, I suspect identity perception has something to do with the core of its development. 2) It exposes one to being extra tempted by those who struggle likewise, either openly or secretly. It makes one an easy target for seduction.

The problem is neither of those were reasons these leaders gave to me. The main reason given was misunderstandings could arise that would lead to me being ostracized. I have frequently acted as a youth minister or in some other leadership position, which then made the possible ramifications of misunderstanding that much worse. However, part of me thinks that this only makes the whole cycle of confusion and misunderstanding worse. I mean, how else are we going to get past those misunderstandings unless we talk about them openly? It’s not like I am going to just come right out during the middle of mass and scream "I’m GAY! And it’s fabulous!" I could see myself maybe convening a special meeting to share my struggles and how to charitably approach the issue as Catholics. For the most part I would just let people know what it’s like when it comes up. The fact is “keeping it quiet” perpetuates the cycle on several levels. 1) On a communal level, people judge, criticize “those gays” without understanding why people are driven to such behavior. It’s not that the “gay rights” activists are all that innocent, but is anyone? Perhaps if Catholics knew other Catholics who struggled with SSA it would be less of an ideological battle and more of an interior fight to love. 2) Even worse is on the personal level. Here I am trying to overcome the overwhelming sense of shame and when I bring it up I’m told in effect: “That’s too messed up to talk about openly; keep it quiet or people will demonize you”. Unfortunately there is another phenomenon that also occurs, when you’re being told to keep big secrets you learn to keep big secrets. I am among the unbelievable number of men who have maintained, at least in part, homosexual relationships on the side without anyone knowing about it. To this day very few of my friends know the extent to which I have strayed in some of my darker days. I’m back on track now, but there have been several points in my life which I was extremely close to abandoning everything for a gay relationship. It felt like the only honest thing to do. On second thought it actually felt like it was the only way I could get help. I knew it would bring total derision from some, but at least others would see me in a more honest light. However if I were to have done that it would only reinforces the misunderstandings! The same false perceptions these pastors are afraid of. Sad day.

To this day I’m still perplexed about this. At some point in my life I may have to be open about it, for now I will be silent. Well, not to those I’m accountable to, but you get the picture. That was a big reason I started this blog, so I could remain anonymous, but still fight the misunderstandings.