Thursday, July 2, 2009

The Ex-Ex-Gay Phenomenon

Participating in Bridging the Gap's recent synchroblog sent me all over the internet to read what other bloggers had written about Christianity and homosexuality.  I came away from this with two predominant impressions:  1) No other blogger is doing what we're doing here - i.e., understanding homosexuality from the inside and sympathizing, yet still maintaining that such actions are wrong.  2) There is a large community of gays who used to think they were ex-gays.  This not only hurts the credibility of my story as someone who legitimately has no more such struggles but also breaks my heart all over again.

Stories of people like Christine and Jacob are not unusual, unfortunately.  It would seem that many, many people have been hurt by the ex-gay movement.  I suppose this is no different from how many people are "saved" (or even come into the Church through RCIA) and then fall away again within a year, back to their old lifestyles.

This is not meant to be a critique of the ex-gay movement; I know little to nothing about it.  But I can look into the heart of a generic homosexual and imagine what the journey must have been like.

First, the adolescent confusion of feeling what one is not "supposed" to be feeling, and the consequent interior isolation.  Probably some experimentation, mixed in with some sort of coming out (possibly publicly, but first more furtively, within a small group, which adds feelings of hypocrisy and leading a double life).

Next, an experience with the transcendent God.  An invitation from a Christian who promises healing and freedom in Christ from the chains of same-sex attraction.  Embracing such claims and noticing that the feelings have faded away in the enthusiasm of the cause.  Relief and feelings of finally reciving a share in that normalcy to which one was entitled but never before received.  Great zeal to spread the "truth" of this way of life.

Then, the honeymoon period ends.  Those hated feelings return, and simple prayer does not get rid of them.  Additionally, feelings of hypocrisy, shame for being unnatural, failure for not being able to change by will alone, fear of rejection by loved ones...  Eventually, something cracks and an admission is made: Ex-Gay was a false label.  Friendships are lost, bridges are burned - rejection of the most painful kind.

So one turns to what is left: the only place happiness and acceptance seem available to them, and looking out for others, to try and protect others from the same heartbreak they've felt.

Little wonder there seems to be no hope in the ex-gay movement.  *sighs* My heart breaks for these people to whom are held out false promises.  Change is sometimes possible, but not easy, and can't be the ultimate goal.  The goal is living chastely and seeking fulfillment in God alone.  Not easy by any means, but entirely worthwhile.

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